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Brave New World In The Final Four

The Final Four comes around every year, and of course we all
wait for it like little kids at Christmas. It's a huge deal to college
basketball fans, and part of what makes it great is that it's different every
year. This year, though, it's going to be even more different than usual. Why?

DBR has learned that security for the Final Four, already
expected to be the tightest to date, will be even tighter with the likely
attendance of what is being called "a person of major importance."

Security experts say you can expect the following:

  • Metal detectors and wands at every entrance, with entry
    taking up to as much as four hours.
  • Every bag will be searched, even "little old lady
  • Under Texas law, anyone caught attempting to smuggle
    alcohol into a college event could face up to three months in prison.
  • Small screening rooms will be set up at each entrance by
    hanging cloth on metal frames to accommodate anticipated strip searches.
  • People who are in a secret database made possible by the
    Patriot Act will be detained at their seat and escorted out of the
    arena. Tickets would not have been sold to them in the first place had
    the data base been functional when tickets went on the market.
  • People whose seats are near the "person of major
    importance" will be offered the opportunity to move instead to a skybox
    with all the amenities. This is expected to cause an uproar, because said person will
    be sitting very close to courtside. If they are not willing to move,
    they will be asked to leave.

We urge all Duke fans to cooperate fully with the
extraordinary security procedures, and to be certain to show up as early as
possible so that their entry into the arena is not delayed.

PS - April Fools!