Finding his liquor cabinet a bit low on moonshine, your airborn
alliterator took off for Kentucky on Saturday to watch the matchup
between college basketball's all-time winningest and all-time whiningest
teams.
The former, the Kentucky Wildcats, were defending their homecourt,
while the latter, the chronically dyspeptic Baby Blues, brought their
special brand of togetherness to the nationally televised tiff.
And when it was all said and done the boys from Chapel Hill had
another loss, and one of their lads was sporting a new name.
Disgusted at the lackluster, indifferent and selfish play of his
leading scorer Rashad "Ra-Ra" McCants, myopic mentor Ol' Roy Williams
benched the sardonic sophomore and then informed him at halftime that
henceforth he would be listed on the UNC roster as Rashad McWon't.
"Maybe I'm just a dumb ol' country feller," mumbled Captain Cornpone
before a befuddled press corps, "but it's not like Ra-Ra can't guard his
man, can't hustle, and can't protect the ball. It's just that he
won't. So until he does, he's got hisself a new name, and that's the
way it's going to be around here, dadgummit."
The Grim Weeper also managed to find fault with the rest of his
starters after the team's 1-3-1 Trapping Sieve Defense propelled the
hometown Wildcats into a second half lead. Future hall of famers Jawad
"greatest team ever" Williams and Raygod Felton interrupted their
respective marches to the NBA by taking prolonged respites on the
Tarheel bench while the Bull Goober paced the sidelines like a guy in
urgent need of a restroom.
After the unfortunate loss, The Hoopster Formerly Known as McCants
expressed surprise at his benching and name change, despite having more
turnovers than points, while Ol' Roy, ever the Honcho of Hypocrisy, said
he wasn't making any excuses about the loss, whereupon he made the
excuse that Williams and May hadn't practiced much this past week.