FITS just loves stories involving The Mob. Like this story lately where
the Don tolerates the wayward actions of some enterprising lieutenant
for just so long before putting the hit out on the offending party.
A recent Sopranos episode you say? No, but you're close. The severely
anal publicity Dons at UNC's Control Freak Central reportedly put the
hit out on GoHeels.com, thereby ending years of turmoil reminiscent of
the Iran-Iraq war. FITS never cared too much about who won, but watching
the opposing parties take shots at each other would have made Paulie
The Tacky Blue propaganda department, stung by GoHeels.com's longtime
popularity among the sickly pastel crowd, is accused of having the site
purchased by a university "business partner" which promptly deep-sixed
the site and re-directed all traffic to the university's official,
bland-as-stale-white-bread site....all this according to a hilariously
detailed article in the venerable ACC Sports Journal. How's that for an
This isn't the first time, of course, that Chapel Hill's Pravda machine
has shown the velvet touch of Joe Stalin. Not long ago, a heavy-handed
attempt to censor another UNC fan site ended in embarrassing failure,
but FITS gives the Heel brass credit for continuing its attempts to
control the media.
Can Radio Free Chapel Hill be far behind? FITS envisions the TV ads:
Lost Art Chansky, huddled in his garage broadcasting on his shortwave
radio when the pale blue thugs burst through the door and seize his
And Dick Baddour's paranoid pawns have plenty of reason to squelch some
recent news out of Chapel Hill. Fully 25 football players out of the 62
recruited by former Heel pigskin coach Carl Torbush have fled the
Enchanted Village by Kroger, according to the Atlanta Journal
Constitution, creating even more desperate departees than the hapless
Heel hoop program.
FITS wonders if the United Nations might consider setting up a refugee
camp in Pittsboro.
Perhaps a remedy has already been found. The ACC Sports Journal also
reports that a high school All American football player from Charlotte
was a potential signee for the Heels..... until he recently met his
prospective teammates, whom he found to be eminently unlikeable and
FITS sincerely hopes that more young souls can be saved from Chapel
Hill's ongoing athletic meltdown.
With hoop season rapidly approaching, FITS will certainly be keeping a
close eye on the Heels, led by Matt Doherty and affable Assistant Head
Coach Jawad "End the Dictatorship" Williams.