FITS, your dapper doyen of dung, needs to give credit where credit's
due, even if it involves the pastel poseurs of Chapel Hill coached by
human pogo stick Manic Matt D'oh!
As such, the FITSter's first order of business will be to acknowledge
the impressive behind-the-scenes creativity being plotted in the Village
of the Damned. Word has it that Tarheel Minister of Propaganda and
Things Monumentally Stupid, Steve "Keep Hope Alive" Kirschner, is about
to make several important announcements.
Kicking off the media blitz will be the "adjustment" of UNC's current
hoop record, currently and incorrectly perceived as 5-8, to 5-5-3, to
reflect five wins, five losses, and three moral victories. After
viewing tapes of the games, the ministry has determined that moral
victories are to be recognized for: 1) losing to Virginia by less than
ten points, 2) escaping College Park, Maryland without being physically
devoured, and 3) losing a tight game to Hampton when the visiting
Virginians "made a mockery of the rules of engagement" by playing the
"unethical" zone defense.
Next, dual honors for senior leader Jason Capel will be announced. In
the first, Capel will be honored by the league as Goofy Gesticulator of
the Week (narrowly nipping teammate Kris Lang) for his series of
"innovatively inane" chest thumping, hand waving, mug contorting
gestures. This only mildly distresses FITS, who feels sorry for Lang, a
senior who has tried everything from Mennonite facial hair to burn
victim hosiery and indecipherable choir boy hand signals to draw
attention. FITS note to Kris: why not replace your sneaks with Kleenex
boxes for the total Howard Hughes look?
The Capester's second honor is ACC Defensive Player of Week, not for
stopping any of the Maryland players, who buzzed around him like
mosquitos on a hot summer day, but rather for continuing to defend his
assertion that "We were the best team in the country last year."
Furthermore, FITS hear's that Bush administration Transportation czar
Norm "what's that in your trousers, congressman?" Mineta plans a
citation for erstwhile roundballers Ron Curry and Julius Peppers for
"Meritorious Avoidance of a Train Wreck" by refusing to hop on the D'oh
Express's cannonball run to nowhere.
Last but not least, FITS learned from informed sources that two more
Tarheel streaks are still very much alive: This year marks the eightieth
consecutive year that no member of the UNC squad has been attacked by a
great white shark, and it also marks the twentieth in which the
increasingly vacant Dean Dome has delighted its diminishing fan base
with piped in crowd noise. Congratulations!