Today, Jokes [Archive]

AtlBluRew

07-20-2007, 04:02 PM

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "TORNADO!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "FIRE!!"

jaytoc

07-20-2007, 04:28 PM

Grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender exclaims "Hey, this is so cool, we've got a drink named after you!"

Grasshopper incredulously responds, "Really, you've got a drink named Murray?"

jaytoc

07-20-2007, 04:35 PM

Gorilla walks into a bar, orders a scotch on the rocks.

When the gorilla asks how much he owes, bartender thinks he can take advantage of the dumb animal, charges him $25.00. Gorilla reaches into his fur and hands over the money without comment or complaint.

After depositing the cash in the register, the bartender is hit with a pang of guilt because he knows he took advantage, and decides to try to make things better by engaging the beast in conversation. He turns to the gorilla and tries to get the ball rolling with, "Gee, we don't get many gorillas in here."

Gorilla replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"

OZZIE4DUKE

07-20-2007, 05:05 PM

Female shoe says "No big loss, he was a real heel."

A carolina joke! I love it!

captmojo

07-20-2007, 05:28 PM

My wife drove me to drink.

I lost my license and it's too far to walk to the liquor store.

captmojo

07-20-2007, 05:31 PM

They don't serve cold drinks on campus at Carolina anymore.

The guy with the recipe for ice graduated.

A-Tex Devil

07-20-2007, 05:34 PM

Patrick Davidson/Jack Bauer/Chuck Norris went on a visit to the Virgin Islands........

........ now they are just the Islands.

pudda rump bump bump

DevilAlumna

07-20-2007, 05:46 PM

What does the N stand for on the UNC helmet? Nowledge.

How can you tell when a UNC grad's been using the computer? Whiteout on the screen.

Officials from UNC-CH just announced today that they found the body of the winner of the 1998 Hide-and-Seek contest.

What's the best way to get a UNC Grad off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

DevilAlumna

07-20-2007, 05:48 PM

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

EarlJam

07-20-2007, 05:52 PM

Cavlaw

07-20-2007, 06:00 PM

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog curled up in the corner licking itself. "Wow, I wish I could do that," says the man.

The bartender replies "You better try just petting him first."

TillyGalore

07-20-2007, 07:09 PM

hc5duke

07-20-2007, 07:26 PM

I give, what's the punch line?

Since I never saw the movie I cheated and googled it - it's from the Breakfast Club (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088847/quotes), and there is no punch line.

Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, %excrement%.

TillyGalore

07-20-2007, 07:47 PM

Do I feel old and out of touch? I have never seen that movie start to finish in one sitting, not do I have a strong urge to.

Thanks hc5duke for showing me the light.

OZZIE4DUKE

07-20-2007, 08:51 PM

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog curled up in the corner licking itself. "Wow, I wish I could do that," says the man.

The bartender replies "see below"

He'll bite you...

Cavlaw

07-20-2007, 09:08 PM

He'll bite you...
Or perhaps; "Good luck; he's only had one drink."

DevilAlumna

07-20-2007, 09:58 PM

Since I never saw the movie I cheated and googled it - it's from the Breakfast Club (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088847/quotes), and there is no punch line.

I've NEVER come across anyone who could even make up a decent punchline either. (No offense, EarlJam....)

Seriously, it's bothered me since the mid 80's -- is there an actual end to the joke, or were the BC writers just screwing with my head?

Channing

07-20-2007, 10:24 PM

the only jokes I know are lawyer jokes, and I dont tell those any more because lawyers dont think they're funny and non-lawyers think they're true.

billybreen

07-20-2007, 11:13 PM

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...

(Does ANYONE know the rest of that joke?)

From the movie that taught me, as an impressionable youth, that smoking The Pot gives you super strength to shatter library windows with a yell.

"So it's sorta social. Demented and sad, but social."

Bravo, DA. Bravo.

billybreen

07-20-2007, 11:19 PM

I've NEVER come across anyone who could even make up a decent punchline either. (No offense, EarlJam....)

Seriously, it's bothered me since the mid 80's -- is there an actual end to the joke, or were the BC writers just screwing with my head?

That's what I love about it. It's like Hamlet's 'antic disposition' or, more recently, the gold in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction: an open-ended treasure for scholars to debate through the ages, transcending art to become a lens back into those who would seek to explain it.

That's all. I ran out of pretentious faux intellectual drivel.

dukemomLA

07-21-2007, 01:05 AM

This is the WEIRDEST thread I have EVER seen on this site. But then again, since I'm weird myself, it's kinda fun. Maybe I should start a thread about great golf jokes. (Jesus and Moses were playing golf........)

Bob Green

07-21-2007, 02:37 AM

A man was standing in line at the grocery store with a bag of dog food in his hand when the woman behind him asked, "So you have a dog?"

The man: "No. I'm back on the dog food diet."
The woman: "I've never heard of that diet."
The man: "You place a hand full of these nuggets in your pocket and nibble on them whenever you feel hungry. The last time I was on this diet I lost 25 pounds before I woke up in the hospital with tubes and probes attached all over my body."
The woman: "Oh my, were you poisoned by the dog food?"
The man: "No. I was sitting in the middle of the street licking myself when a truck ran me over. OF COURSE I HAVE A DOG!"

Bob Green
Yokosuka, Japan

DukieInKansas

07-22-2007, 12:29 AM

One Benefit of High Petrol Prices

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you might have thought that I wouldn't have de Gaulle to post this!

Bob Green

07-22-2007, 02:28 AM

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat
mate.

Hey, says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle again. "Hey, you lazy public servant, where's my whiskey? Hurry it
up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly
with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some
quick service for him. "Hey," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your lazy butt - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you sure are mouthy....."

Jarhead

07-22-2007, 08:28 PM

Osama Bin Laden dies and finds himself in Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he must go through the check in procedure, starting with the interviews.

An angel takes him to his first interview, with George Washington. George starts out by punching him in the face, kicking him in the groin, pushing him to the floor, and stomping on his chest.

He is then taken to Thomas Jefferson who pulls him down by his beard and knees him on the chin, then almost twists his head off before pulling off an ear.

He is then taken to James Madison who strikes him over the head with an ax, then knocks his legs out from under him, and pushes him under a bus.

Osama is puzzled by this treatment and goes back to St. Peter to ask, "Why am being treated this way? I have always been told that I would be going to heaven where I would get 72 virgins, and..."

St Peter interrupts and says, "Oh, I am sorry, Osama. You are confused. What you get is 72 Virginians."

knights68

07-23-2007, 11:41 AM

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

The Gordog

07-23-2007, 11:48 AM

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean, ladder.

knights68

07-23-2007, 12:33 PM

Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist."

Johnboy

07-23-2007, 06:20 PM

Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and wakes his wife up, saying "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache." His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The guy says "I was talking to the sheep."

Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

onepresent

07-23-2007, 07:39 PM

Recently seen bumper sticker...

"At least the war on the environment is going well."

dukemomLA

07-24-2007, 04:19 AM

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On the sixth hole Jesus pulled out a 3 iron off the tee. Moses said, "You can't get it there with a 3 iron." Jesus continued his swing -- and it landed in the water hazard. Moses said, "See, you idiot."

Jesus walked out across the water to retrieve his ball.

The foursome coming up behind them remarked to Moses, "See that guy!! Who does he think he is?!!? Jesus Christ?!"

Moses replied, "nah, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

OZZIE4DUKE

07-24-2007, 09:04 AM

Great joke, but as someone told me after I forwarded it to him, the twist originally came out in the summer of '59 but it was the summer of '60 when future Duke dad Chubby Checker had his monster hit! Here's a link to support my "facts" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twist_(song)

Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist."

MarineTwinsDad

07-24-2007, 08:49 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Windsor

07-24-2007, 10:57 PM

and along the same lines as the previous joke:

A shepard is tending his flock one day, when a man in a Jeep Cherokee arrives, gets out of the car, and says to the shepard, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, can I have one?"
"Sure", says the shepard.
The man whips out his laptop, connects it to his cell phone, surfs to a NASA site, calls up GPS, scans the area, opens a database and 60 excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his mini-printer, turns to the shepard and says, "You have exactly 1,685 sheep."
"That's correct, and as agreed you can have one of the sheep", says the shepard. He watches as the man makes his selection and lifts it into the Jeep.Then he asks, "If I can tell you exactly what your occupation is, can I have my property back?"
"Sure", says the man.
"You're a Consultant", says the shepard.
"That's right, how did you guess?" asks the man.
"Easy" answers the shepard, "You show up here, although nobody invited you. You want to be paid for an answer to a question I never asked. You give me information that I already know, and, most importantly, you don't know anything at all about my business, now can I have my dog back?

hc5duke

07-25-2007, 02:52 AM

A group of Osama Bin Laden's Taliban soldiers were marching down a track in Afghanistan when they heard an American voice call out from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Taliban!"

Bin Laden quickly dispatched ten of his finest soldiers over the sand dune, where there was a fierce gun battle, followed by silence. An American voice then called out, "One Marine is better than 100 Taliban!"

The furious Bin Laden immediately sent his next best 100 troops over the dune. A battle raged for ten minutes, followed by silence. An American voice then called out: "One Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

Enraged, Bin Laden mustered 1,000 fighters and sent them over the dune. There was a huge batle, lasting for more than an hour, followed by silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told Bin Laden: "Don't send any more. It's a trap. There's actually two of them."

---
I've been told that this is not a true Marine joke since it doesn't make fun of the Navy ;)

DevilBen02

07-25-2007, 09:00 AM

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

mapei

07-25-2007, 10:28 AM

Two peanuts walk into a bar. It looks like trouble.

One was a salted.

EarlJam

07-25-2007, 11:14 AM

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing, except two thin layers of Saran Wrap wrapped around where his underwear should be.

Said the psychiatrist: "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

-Earljam

The Gordog

07-25-2007, 11:25 AM

A few you can tell your kids (if you have little ones):

What is the sound of a flying lion?
An uproar.

Did you hear about the 2 kangaroos? They got married and lived hoppily ever after.

2 drums and and snare fall off a cliff..... Ba-dum-kisshhh.

captmojo

07-25-2007, 12:56 PM

Why does the ocean "roar"?

You would too if you had crabs in your bed.

I just got summonsed for federal jury duty.

Johnboy

07-25-2007, 02:44 PM

They ended up in a tie.

Dr. Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks: "Hey buddy, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "I know how fast I was going, but I've no idea where I am."

onepresent

07-25-2007, 02:51 PM

Two more for the kiddies...

1) What's brown and sticky?

2) What's blue and smells like red paint?

answers:

a stick
blue paint

knights68

07-26-2007, 12:20 PM

There once was a guy who just bought the most recent Porche model and decided to take it out on the open highway and she what she really had under the hood.
He was cruising along at about 110 mph and his sporty car caught up with another group of sporty cars speeding along the highway.

He thought he'd be safe in with the pack of speeding sports cars... until he saw the red lights of a state trooper in his mirror.

The Porche owner pulled over and ask the cop approached the window he asked the cop why he was pulled over and not any of the other cars.
The cop replied, "Ever been Fishing?"
To which the guy replied, "Yeah".
The cop retorted, "Ever catch them all?"

greybeard

07-26-2007, 04:17 PM

Husband and wife, UNC grads, go to a party and meet a nice couple who it turns out are aliens. They agree to take the couple home and play switchies. When the male alien undresses, the UNC wife frowns, and indicates with her hands that it is a might, shall we say, short. The alien responds, "no problem, just tap my head with a knuckle and it will get longer." She did and it did. Same thing with the width, only this time it was a slap on his face that did the trick.

The next morning, the two pairs met in the kitchen. The woman asks her husband how it was for him. Great, the UNC guy responded, if only I could have gotten her to stop rapping me on the head and slapping my face.

knights68

07-27-2007, 07:32 AM

It's Friday and the end of a long week for me.
So I appreciate this thread very much!
Let's keep this going, shall we? More jokes, we need more jokes!!!!

Top Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now

Watching the girlfriend Knitting a sweater, while watching tv and enjoying a brewski. Aahhhh, thats the life!

Responding to all of EarlJam's postings

Promoting my new line of bug jewelry on QVC

Horse play

Just chillin in my cube at work with just my shorts and a nice refreshing beverage.

Ditching work and catching the matinee of "Live Free or Die Hard"

Wasting time at work... oh wait... I already do that!

Lecturing teens on the dangers of online bulletin boards, especially if they root for the other state team!

Enjoying a chuckle over "FARK.com"

Quietly sleeping, like my bosses

knights68

07-27-2007, 09:01 AM

To those who may be offended with the following.... please do not read the following and you wont be offended!!

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb a! nd put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

EarlJam

07-27-2007, 01:56 PM

Q: Why won't cannibals eat clowns?

A: They taste funny.

:rolleyes:

greybeard

07-27-2007, 06:19 PM

guy drives up to the gas pump in his new Cadie and says fill 'er up. Reaches in his pocket to pay the guy, and two golf tees fall on the seat. Babe sitting next to him asks, "What are they for? Guy replies, "They are to hold my $@##s when I drive." Babe replies, "What'll the Cadillac people think of next."

grey "I'll never make it in stand up" beard

knights68

07-31-2007, 08:50 AM

Number 10:
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

Number 9:
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Number 8:
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Number 7:
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

Number 6:
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Number 5:
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

Number 4:
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Number 2:
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Lavabe

07-31-2007, 10:02 AM

Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Classic Seinfeld:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hllDWSbuDsQ

This topic should be its own thread!

Cheers,
Lavabe

captmojo

08-01-2007, 04:22 AM

Two guys walking in the woods come upon a hole in the ground 6 feet in diameter. They peer over the edge and can't see bottom.
Bubba says "Jim Ed, grab that dead tree limb and throw it in and we'll see how long it takes to hit bottom." Jim Ed responds to Bubba's request and both men hear nothing.
Next, the two decide to toss an old stump in and achieve the same result. No repeat sound his heard.
Bubba spies an 8ft section of railroad track laying nearby and suggests that it should be next. So it is done.
While the two are standing by listening, a large red goat flies by and leaps down the hole. The pair look at each other and scratch their heads.
A farmer runs up next and asks the guys if they have seen his goat. Bubba sadly explains that the poor animal had just dove to his certain death.
The puzzled farmer says, " That's weird. I had him tied up to an 8ft section of railroad track.

no animals were harmed in the telling of this joke

not counting the readers

captmojo

08-04-2007, 09:56 PM

The highway patrol was at work on the ground catching speed criminals with a whirlybird skyward controlling the radar.
An old man traveling down the road is reported to the ground force to be moving at 80mph, so the patrolmen stop him.
The patrolman asks the man why he's driving so fast and the man says he's only trying to keep up with traffic.
The patrolman looks around and tells him, "You're the only one on the road.".
The man says, "That's why I'm so far behind.".
The patrolman never mentions the chopper but says, "The big man up there says you were doing 80mph.".
The man admits, "Well, I've been a minister for 50 years and if he says that , I've got to believe it.".

dukemomLA

08-06-2007, 03:41 AM

What does a UNC grad say at his job upon graduation?

"Do you want fries with that?"

dukemomLA

08-06-2007, 03:51 AM

Jesus has been nailed to the cross with Mary weeping at his feet. He tries to take a breath and says, "Mary, I want to see Peter."

Mary complies and runs hill and dale, hill and dale to knock on Peter's door. Peter opens the door, and Mary says, "Jesus wants to see you! Hurry!"

So together they run hill and dale, hill and dale to arrive at the cross. Peter looks up at Jesus and says, "What do need of me Lord?"

And with his dying breath, Jesus says, "Peter. I can see your house from here!"

Ima Facultiwyfe

08-07-2007, 06:55 AM

These ideas are great. My daughter had a great one she always used to use. She would call her two-year-old to the phone since he LOVED to talk on the phone and rarely got calls!

Indoor66

08-07-2007, 11:56 AM

These ideas are great. My daughter had a great one she always used to use. She would call her two-year-old to the phone since he LOVED to talk on the phone and rarely got calls!

That two-year-old needs to expand his circle of friends so that he can get more phone calls! lol :)

knights68

08-07-2007, 12:39 PM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

EarlJam

08-07-2007, 02:01 PM

EarlJam

08-07-2007, 02:16 PM

So this man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and having a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, and mildly frustrated, he gets up and saunters over to the door and opens it. He sees a small snail, who is wearing a nice hat and is carrying a suitcase.

Says the snail, "Hi. How are you today? Well, I hope. Sir, did you know that today there are more than 23 million Americans who greatly lack adequate coverage through insurance? In fact...."

The man, aggrevated, bends down, picks up the small snail and hurls him as far as he can across the yard.

Three years goes by.

The same man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, the man gets up, walks by his new born son and opens the front door.

There in front of him, on the porch is the same snail, breathing heavy, sweating, and pissed.

The snail looks at him and says, "You Mother F@(ker!"

-EarlJam

captmojo

08-07-2007, 02:22 PM

So this man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and having a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, and mildly frustrated, he gets up and saunters over to the door and opens it. He sees a small snail, who is wearing a nice hat and is carrying a suitcase.

Says the snail, "Hi. How are you today? Well I hope. Sir, did you know that today there are more than 23 million Americans who greatly lack adequate coverage through insurance? In fact...."

The man, aggrevated, bends down, picks up the small snail and hurls him as far as he can across the yard.

Three years goes by.

The same man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, the man gets up, walks by his new born son and opens the front door.

There in front of him, on the porch is the same snail, breathing heavy, sweating, and pissed.

The snail looks at him and says, "You Mother F@(ker!"

-EarlJam

That critter's been following me all day!

knights68

08-07-2007, 02:40 PM

This is a very good joke!

:D Thanks Earl! I liked the snail one you posted as well. It's a belly shaker!

knights68

08-07-2007, 02:43 PM

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

knights68

08-08-2007, 01:37 PM

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too

captmojo

08-08-2007, 02:07 PM

This thread should never disappear.
Unless Lacrosse postings come up.

knights68

08-08-2007, 02:27 PM

I agree!! :cool:

TillyGalore

08-08-2007, 02:35 PM

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

I made that up. :)

captmojo

08-08-2007, 03:28 PM

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

I made that up. :)

You can afford to be mighty proud of yourself.

I always thought I was the inventor of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

captmojo

08-08-2007, 03:30 PM

You can afford to be mighty proud of yourself.

I always thought I was the inventor of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

No punch line needed as long as you have the word "crack whore".

TillyGalore

08-08-2007, 03:45 PM

No punch line needed as long as you have the word "crack whore".

Sorry captmojo, I don't get this.:confused: Perhaps I haven't had enough coffee. :)

knights68

08-08-2007, 03:56 PM

Capn,

"Crack Whore"??? WTF?!!!

DevilAlumna

08-08-2007, 06:14 PM

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

captmojo

08-09-2007, 12:54 PM

Sorry captmojo, I don't get this.:confused: Perhaps I haven't had enough coffee. :)

Old Norm McDonald stand up line when he couldn't get a laugh.

captmojo

08-09-2007, 01:24 PM

Everybody know personality types. Type "A", hyper, aggressive, go getter.
Type "B", calmer, slightly procrastinating.
Then there's type "C", totally laid back bordering on laziness. (me)

Lum and Abner were sitting in chairs up next to the street, one facing the street and the other turned 180 around.

A young lady walking down the street passes and says "Hi".

Lum says "Hi". Abner says "Howdy".

After she gets away, Abner asks,"Lum, was she pretty?"

Lum answers," Yes. She was quite attractive."

Abner says, "Darn. I sure wish I was turned the other way around."

micah75

08-09-2007, 02:06 PM

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over like 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

bhd28

08-09-2007, 03:45 PM

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own da#@ blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he loudly passes gas.

Udaman

08-09-2007, 04:00 PM

TillyGalore

08-09-2007, 05:03 PM

A guy who loved writing puns entered into a local pun contest for his local newspaper. Determined to win, he wrote down his ten best puns for submission.

A week later his wife asked him if any of his puns won the prize.

"No," he replied. "Unfortunately no pun in ten did."

GGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn nnnnnnnn!!

But I loved it anyway. :D

I have no idea why there is a space between two n's above. Hmmm.

knights68

08-10-2007, 07:33 AM

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman standing behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children" as she walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.. .during one of the wild parties he had been to when
he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store, caught up with her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Udaman

08-10-2007, 09:37 AM

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhinoceros?

El if I know...

Udaman

08-10-2007, 09:44 AM

A wealth man on his deathbed called his priest, doctor and lawyer. He told them he didn't want to give any money to his family and instead wanted to take it all with him. He gave each man an envelope with a million dollars inside and told them each to put the envelope into his casket upon his death.

Two weeks later at the funeral, all three men paid their last respects and slipped an envelope into the casket while nobody was watching.

Later at a gathering for family and friends, the priest, doctor and lawyer got together for a moment. At which point the priest broke down.

"Forgive me," he said, "I have sinned. My parish needed money for an orphanage, and took $100,000 from the envelope. I was for the greater good, but I feel such guilt for what I have done."

"Oh father, bless you," replied the doctor. "I took some money as well. We are building a center for abused children, and I put $250,000 of his money into it. I just couldn't bare to see it all go to waste."

At this point the lawyer stepped back, shaking his head in disgust. "I don't believe you two. This man called us in confidence and asked us to do his final wish. He trusted us. And you both betrayed him. You should feel ashamed. I'll have you know that I put a check in there for the entire $1,000,000."

captmojo

08-10-2007, 03:40 PM

My sister in law was over yesterday to spend the night. The First Mate comes in the from the garden. Sis looks at her and asks,"You're sweaty. Where have you been?". First Mate replies,"Watering the garden."

Sis then asks,"What did you water it with?".

TillyGalore

08-10-2007, 03:48 PM

captmojo

08-11-2007, 03:39 AM

Who is "First Mate"?

aka the "Captainess"

Indoor66

08-11-2007, 08:55 AM

aka the "Captainess"

Obviously a sexist comment! :D LOL

micah75

08-11-2007, 12:03 PM

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me.
Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silkboxers were $49.99.. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

captmojo

08-11-2007, 02:56 PM

Obviously a sexist comment! :D LOL

I always try to be as sexist with her as possible.

Indoor66

08-11-2007, 05:28 PM

I always try to be as sexist with her as possible.

Spoken like a man's man.

captmojo

08-11-2007, 05:39 PM

Spoken like a man's man.

I still have to be careful. Sometimes she goes by "Her Majesty".

Indoor66

08-11-2007, 06:11 PM

I still have to be careful. Sometimes she goes by "Her Majesty".

Finally, the truth. :D

captmojo

08-11-2007, 06:29 PM

Finally, the truth. :D

Drat! I've made an admission.

Indoor66

08-11-2007, 08:04 PM

Drat! I've made an admission.

There are posters on this board that, if you read them carefully, could provide lessons in making up facts and presenting dreams as realities.... :rolleyes:

captmojo

08-12-2007, 10:20 AM

There are posters on this board that, if you read them carefully, could provide lessons in making up facts and presenting dreams as realities.... :rolleyes:

She does at times call me the King of Differentland.

micah75

08-13-2007, 01:02 PM

This is a test only for smart people. I have determined that you qualify.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in here. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

captmojo

08-13-2007, 02:04 PM

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Paint his toenails red.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

See there. It works!

captmojo

08-14-2007, 02:50 PM

The only joke I can think of today is that I can't escape federal jury duty next week. Wait! That's not funny, it's frightening. To think they would actually choose me from the thousands who are available.
Well, back on subject, with 112 posts, nearly 3000 hits, need for humor in this world, I formally and respectfully request that the moderators make this thread sticky.

Thanks for the joke interruption,
mojo

knights68

08-15-2007, 10:47 AM

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so
the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services
anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Rich

08-15-2007, 03:39 PM

A potato comes home and tells her mom, "Mom, I have great news. I'm getting married to a Washington potato."

The mom says, "That's wonderful news. What joy you've brought to our family! A Washington potato! What a respectable potato!"

The next week, a second girl potato comes home and says, "Mom, I'm so excited. I'm getting married! And to an Idaho potato, no less!"

"Oh, that's wonderful," says the mom, "An Idaho potato! They're the most reputable potatoes! I'm so proud of you. You've really put our family on the map!"

A week later, the third daughter potato comes home and says, "I have great news! I'm getting married!"

The Mom says, "That's wonderful news. First a Washington potato then an Idaho potato! Who are you marrying, my dear?"

The potato responds, "I'm marrying Tom Brokaw!"

"But darling," the mom responds with disappointment, "he's just a common-tater."

captmojo

08-15-2007, 04:02 PM

The expectant future father paces the floor in the waiting room. A maternity nurse comes rushing in.
"Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones! You're a father!"

"Great! What is it? Boy or girl?"

"Hard to say. It's, it's,it's, it's an eye."

"A what?"

"It's an eye. No body. No legs, no arms, just an eight pound eyeball."

Hand to his head, Mr. Jones exclaims, "Oh no. Nothing could be worse!"

"Oh yes sir.", the nurse answers. " I forgot to mention, it's blind."

micah75

08-15-2007, 04:13 PM

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank goodness," says an elderly nun in the back of the room, "I am so tired of Chardonnay."

EarlJam

08-15-2007, 04:33 PM

Jose Offerman charges into a bar carrying and swinging a bat.

Bartender says "I don't mind you carrying the bat, but don't try to make it to second base."

Jose says, "why?"

Bartender says, "Cause this is a singles bar."

73

Rich

08-15-2007, 04:37 PM

Man walks into a bar with his son, who is just a head, to celebrate his 21st birthday. The father orders a shot of whiskey, the son's first drink, which the son throws down. Moments later, poof, out comes a torso from underneath the head. The man, amazed, orders a second shot for his son. The son drinks and, poof, out come two legs. The man orders one more shot for his boy and, poof, out grow two arms, forming a perfectly normal body. To celebrate, the dad orders one last drink, which the boy drinks, and then, poof, he disappears. Says the bartender, "He should've quit while he was a head."

DevilAlumna

08-15-2007, 06:21 PM

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

DevilAlumna

08-15-2007, 06:24 PM

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Clinton. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Clinton gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Clinton gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Clinton said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

captmojo

08-16-2007, 02:38 AM

Man walks in at his doctor's office, waiting patients are sitting around gagging. The nurse calls for him. He goes in. The doctor arrives...

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"Doc, I keep letting go of these silent farts. Oops, there goes one. Oops, there goes two more. I'm sorry. They're terrible. I don't know what's causing them but they're all silent and burning. Three more silents. Sorry. What can I do? What's wrong with me?"

"Well, first of all, you're deaf.":p

DevilAlumna

08-16-2007, 05:41 PM

Apparently, this one appeals to Europeans (http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0600uk/page.cfm?method=full&objectid=12251019)more than Americans:

An Alsatian dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

captmojo

08-17-2007, 12:56 PM

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
I don't like to swim around in circles!

Shut up Junior, or I'll flush you again.

knights68

08-23-2007, 08:26 AM

Shapeless, Mass.

Oola, La

Goodness, Me

Income, Tex.

Deathly, Ill.

Hittor, Miss.

Praise, Ala.

Coco, Colo.

Proan, Conn.

Farmerina, Del.

Inert, Mass.

Hezmakinizetime, Pa.

Ca,Ca

knights68

08-28-2007, 08:38 AM

Did you hear that the Vatican will be starting their own airlines?
Wonder if they'll call it....

VIRGIN MARY AIR?!! :D

knights68

08-29-2007, 01:05 PM

Tina had all the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated
energy-efficient windows. Twelve months later, she gets an irate call
from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year
and despite repeated bills and collection notices, she has yet to make
the first payment.

Tina replies, "Now, don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who
sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves.

knights68

08-29-2007, 01:06 PM

"You Know You're Too Stressed If..."

...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you
and suggest that you should get some rest.

...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.

...the Sun is too loud.

...trees begin chasing you.

...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.

...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an
I.V. drip solution of espresso.

...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in
the consumption of coffee.

...you can hear mimes.

...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can
fly.

...things become "Very Clear."

...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your
order to go.

...you begin speaking in a language that only you and
Channelers can understand.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though
you are the only one in the room.

...your heart beats in 7/8 time.

...David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I
film you?"

...you and Reality file for divorce.

...you can skip without a rope.

...it appears that people are speaking to you in
binary code.

...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the
Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find
the words for them before the white glow disappears,
leaving you more confused than before.

...you can travel without moving.

...antacid tablets become your sole source of
nutrition.

...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office
supplies.

...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about
the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and
refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the
people you are talking to.

...you say the same sentence over and over again,
not realizing that you have said it before.

captmojo

09-03-2007, 10:22 PM

The Governor's mansion in West Virginia caught fire this weekend.

It burned down the whole trailer park.

Bluedawg

09-04-2007, 10:15 AM

This came over my e-mail. I thought it was great....

THE DIVORCE LETTER..............
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S.
Don't try to find me Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping .Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

micah75

09-04-2007, 02:02 PM

I got a kick out of that as well. In fact, it was posted on the previous page of this thread last month. Nonetheless, worthy of a second look.

DevilAlumna

09-05-2007, 01:14 AM

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The barman, being an observant sort of bloke, says “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”

“Arrrr,” says the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”

DevilAlumna

09-05-2007, 01:21 AM

State trooper pulls over a man driving a pickup truck full of penguins. “What’s with the penguins?” Man says, “they were all on the side of the road about to be run over so I picked them up.” Trooper says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

Next day the trooper pulls over the same guy with the penguins but they’re all wearing sun glasses. “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” Man says, “I did yesterday - had lot’ of fun. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

captmojo

09-08-2007, 03:53 PM

The day before Fred was to get married, his beautiful and sexy sister-in-law to be called him to come over and help her with heavy lifting she was incapable of. The rest of the family had gone out with the bride-to-be, clothes shopping for her upcoming honeymoon.

When Fred got there he performed the chores and turning to leave, the young lass expressed her attraction for him. Turning to go upstairs to her bedroom, she looked back at Fred and offered one last wild fling with her before his wedding to her sister. Then she turned back up the steps saying she would be up there waiting on him.

Fred, without saying a word walked straight out the front door, heading in a beeline towards his car. From behind the hedgerow, the bride and the rest of her family jumped out at him in congratulations for his loyalty. The prospective father-in-law telling him that he had passed the grand fidelity test and that he was much more than welcome to join his family.

Moral of the story: (scroll down)

Always keep your condoms in your car.:p

The Gordog

09-10-2007, 10:30 AM

I'm hungover. Son of a........

I'm getting too old for this. Let's tell some jokes. Here's one:

So a ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender quickly holds his hand up, motioning the ham sandwich to stop. With a surly tone, he says, "Sorry pal, we don't serve food here."

Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Bring 'em on.

-EarlJam

Girl: How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Guy: I don't know.

Girl: Paint her toenails red.

Guy: But I have never seen an elephant in a strawberry patch!

Girl: See, it works !

captmojo

09-10-2007, 10:53 AM

Evolutions of pet names:

Darling

Baby Doll

Sweetie Pie

Lover

Fiance'

Wife

Honey

Partner

Touchy

Picky

Dream Killer

Hope Smasher

Ball Breaker

Plaintiff

Ex

DevilAlumna

09-10-2007, 09:02 PM

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

DevilAlumna

09-10-2007, 09:05 PM

A few members of a local dive club went diving, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken.

The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim's front door and said, "I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some very good news."

Fearing the worst, Jim said, "give it to me straight, what’s the bad news?"

"Well we’ve found your wife’s body," came the solemn reply.

"Oh my God," wept Jim…… after a while, he said, "well, what’s the good news?"

The dive officer excitedly said, "You wouldn’t believe it, when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!"

After some time, Jim said, "what’s the very good new then?"

The dive officer said, "Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!"

captmojo

09-11-2007, 10:38 PM

Bob was sitting in easy chair watching the 11:00 news. An item about a woman standing on the window ledge of a skyscraper, about to jump, was on screen. Tom came walking in and sat down next to him. They both watched with intensity and Tom says, "Bob old boy, I'll bet ten bucks, she'll jump." Bob takes the bet.

She jumped. Bob paid off the wager.

Tom laughs and gives Bob his money back explaining the bet wasn't fair. This incident happened earlier in the day and that he knew the results from watching the 6:00 news.

Bob says no, it was fair. He had seen the 6:00 report as well but he did not think the woman would be so stupid as to Do It Again.

Bostondevil

09-12-2007, 01:07 AM

First, a joke:

A country woman travels every year to the hospital in the nearest town to give birth. After the 10th time the maternity nurse cheerfully wishes her well and says, "See you next year". The woman replies, "No you won't, I finally figured out what's causing this."

Second, a poem, a bit corny but my great-grandmother came up with it on the day she died to try to cheer the nurses up. (She was 88.)

All hail Eve, the mother of our race,
who wore a fig leaf in just the right place.
All hail Adam, the father of us all,
who was johnny on the spot when the leaves began to fall.

And finally a true story.

I had a friend, well acquaintance at Duke, who would always say Hi Julie to me on the quad. Julie isn't my name but I'd always answer back because I knew he basically knew who I was, he just had the name wrong. Senior year, April, I'm talking to a third party and this guy walks up. My other friend says "Bob, you know Lisa right?" He looks at me like WTF and I said, sheepishly, "I'm not Julie, my name's Lisa."

micah75

09-12-2007, 01:17 AM

He looks at me like WTF and I said, sheepishly, "I'm not Julie, my name's Lisa."

Good one! Made me laugh out loud.

Here's one courtesy of Steven Wright:

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Indoor66

09-12-2007, 08:52 AM

Good one! Made me laugh out loud.

Here's one courtesy of Steven Wright:

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Steven Wright is one of the funniest men I have ever heard.

EarlJam

09-12-2007, 10:21 AM

Classic Steven Wright...

Something fun to do, if you ever had kids...Tell them you're taking
them to Disney World show them pictures of the rides, attractions, etc.
They'll be so excited. Then, drive to a burned-out warehouse in a bad
part of town, and when you pull up say "Oh no, what happened to Disney
World? It must have burned down." Then catch the looks on their
faces..priceless!

captmojo

09-12-2007, 11:31 AM

Or that he bought powdered water and doesn't know what to add.

billybreen

09-12-2007, 05:24 PM

This isn't exactly a joke, but it's funny and not worthy of a top level thread. So, for those here seeking humor, hopefully this fits the bill.

Months ago, from the daily routine thread (http://www.dukebasketballreport.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1842) I learned about What Would Tyler Durden Do (http://wwtdd.com/), my new favorite site (thanks Ojaidave!). TD is a pop culture poet, and I especially liked his brief evisceration of reality "stars" (http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2871):

She must be referring to some past life, because she's 18 and he's on an MTV reality show. That's not a career. Just because he's on TV doesn't make him an actor. That's like calling a Dalmatian a fireman. He's not a fireman. And I'm not really Batman, these pajamas are just comfortable.

micah75

09-13-2007, 04:35 AM

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison oak on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

OZZIE4DUKE

09-13-2007, 01:23 PM

Something fun to do, if you ever had kids...Tell them you're taking
them to Disney World show them pictures of the rides, attractions, etc.
They'll be so excited. Then, drive to a burned-out warehouse in a bad
part of town, and when you pull up say "Oh no, what happened to Disney
World? It must have burned down." Then catch the looks on their
faces..priceless!

EarlJam, you are one mean drunk!

EarlJam

09-13-2007, 01:33 PM

EarlJam, you are one mean drunk!

No! That wasn't mine! That was from Steven Wright!

Geesh. I'm off to grab a beer.

-EarlJam

billybreen

09-13-2007, 01:36 PM

No! That wasn't mine! That was from Steven Wright!

Geesh. I'm off to grab a beer.

-EarlJam

That wasn't Steven Wright. That was 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey (http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandy.com/), as featured on SNL.

EarlJam

09-13-2007, 01:39 PM

That wasn't Steven Wright. That was 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey (http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandy.com/), as featured on SNL.

I stand corrected. Now that you mention that, I DO recall it. Thanks! I'm still having that beer though. Right now. At my desk at work.

-EarlJam

tombrady

09-13-2007, 01:57 PM

So a husband and wife and their 9 kids walk up to a bus station to catch a bus, and a few minutes later a blind man slowly approaches, tapping his cane back and forth on the ground, creating a rather loud click-click noise.

The bus rolls up after several minutes of waiting, the family starts to get on, and as it so happens, its pretty full and there isn't enough room for 12 people. So the husband and blind man stay behind while the wife gets on with all the kids.

While the husband and blind man are waiting for the next bus to arrive, the husband says to the blind man, "that stick of yours is pretty loud and obnoxious when you're tapping it back and forth all the time, you should put a piece of rubber on the end of it to keep it from making all that noise."

To which the blind man replies:

"If you'd put a rubber at the end of your stick, I'd be on the bus right now!"

edit: and with that, I think i'll stop for a while and admire being J-Will.

greybeard

09-13-2007, 05:06 PM

A head is sitting on a wall, sees this beautiful babe walking towards him.
Says, "Jezz, if I only had a body."
Voila, he gets a body and takes off after the babe.
Squoosh, he gets hit by a car and splattered.

The moral of the story is, . . . .

Quit while you're a head?

grey "I used to know better ones but I don't remember so good anymore" beard

ArnieMc

09-16-2007, 10:15 AM

I was watching a newscast yesterday. The story was about a small fire on a Navy ship being overhauled. The announcer was saying: "Five contractors were injured, only one seriously. Two men, including this one, were treated for smoke inhalation." The accompanying video was of a worker smoking a cigarette. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

captmojo

09-17-2007, 02:43 PM

...that anyone would believe that Duke Football's losing streak would last!:p

EarlJam

09-17-2007, 02:51 PM

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Yeah. Great food, no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the nun that would always stomp on her headdress? It became a bad habit.

Q: What did the cow say to the fly that landed on his back?
A: Hey man, what do you think you're doing?! (Alternative answer: Moo.)

Q: Why is a pod nastier than a toilet?
A: Because two pees in a pod.

Whew. that was bad. My apologies.

-EarlJam

aimo

09-17-2007, 03:15 PM

"Curiousity killed the cat. But for a while, I was a suspect."

The Gordog

09-17-2007, 03:29 PM

The Gordog

09-17-2007, 03:33 PM

"Curiousity killed the cat. But for a while, I was a suspect."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

ArnieMc

09-17-2007, 04:31 PM

More Steven Wright:

"I got pulled over yesterday. Cop asks me, why were you driving so fast? Well, I said, I pushed the accellerator to the floor. Car takes right off.

One of my employees had an accident on the way to work. I asked him about it. He said: "I was driving down Jefferson behind a motorcycle. I was driving faster than he was so I hit him."

Darn engineers.

micah75

09-17-2007, 08:33 PM

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

What's another word for Thesaurus?

micah75

09-17-2007, 09:05 PM

Was just thinking: what if Miss South Carolina had answered that map question with this, would she have won?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

DevilAlumna

09-18-2007, 01:16 AM

The other night I came home late, and accidently tried to unlock my house with my car keys. It started right up. So, I drove the house around for a while.

I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer".

Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

captmojo

09-18-2007, 12:26 PM

Steven built a house on the median strip. He liked it but every time he left his driveway he had to be going 55mph

aimo

09-20-2007, 12:06 PM

Bubba, Cooter, & Gomer

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,

"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.s."

"What? He had two I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with
them two I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.I'm a real wanker for saying this.s.'

dball

09-20-2007, 01:05 PM

My daughter and I are in the bookstore picking up a couple of things she wants. Persuaded her not to buy the joke book she picked up in the bargain area but she did follow me around reading aloud a few 'gems'.

What did the mama buffalo say when her baby left for the day? bye son

Doctor to patient: I'm sorry to say you have cancer and you have alzheimers
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.

ArnieMc

09-20-2007, 01:30 PM

A man was taking his young son out for a walk. When they turned a corner, they saw two little dogs going at it in the middle of the street. Since his son was staring, the man felt he had to say something.

"Son, see those little dogs?"

"Yes, Dad."

"The little dog on top has a hurt foot, and the little dog on the bottom is helping him across the street."

"Just like people, huh, Dad."

"What do you mean?"

"You try to help somebody, and they'll screw you every time."

ArnieMc

09-21-2007, 11:54 AM

Bubba and Billy Bob were driving around in Bubba's pick up truck.

Bubba: "I need some gas. Let's go to that new station on the edge of town."

Billy Bob: "Why go all the way over there?"

Bubba: "They've got a contest - a chance for free sex with a fill up."

So they went over and filled up the truck.

Attendant: "Okay, for your chance at free sex, pick a number from 1 to 10."

Bubba: "6, but can my buddy guess, too? He's never been here before."

Attendant: "Well, ok, just this once."

Billy Bob: "Thanks. I pick 4."

Attendant: "Wow, y'all were all around it. The number was 5. Better luck next time."

(As they drive off) Billy Bob: "I don't think that was fair. He could have picked any number."

Bubba: "No, it's the real deal. My wife won twice this month already."

knights68

09-23-2007, 08:25 AM

Fetishes on Parade

In January, Ronald Dotson, 39, pleaded no
contest to attempting to break into a Ferndale,
Mich., store in order to steal a mannequin
outfitted in a French maid's uniform, which
authorities said was his seventh "statuephilia"-
related offense in 13 years. "I thought I was
getting my life together," he told the judge,
even though his arrest came only days after he
was paroled for the sixth offense. One of the
previous arrests involved an apparently irresistible
"woman" in a pink dress and bobbed hair, and
in another, he was found in an alley with three
lingerie-clad beauties. [Detroit Free Press, 1-26-07]
********************************
From Bizarre News

Tattooed Fishies Advertise Love

Some Detroit pet shops are selling unique
Valentine's Day gifts -- fish tattooed with
messages of love for the recipient. The fish,
which are marked with pink lips and the message
"I (heart) U," are imported from Asia after being
prepared with ink injections or lasers, the Detroit
Free Press reported Monday. The fish have sold
out at three of the seven Detroit shops that sell
the unique gifts for between $39 and $50. "It's
a way to make a statement to a boyfriend or
girlfriend," said Dennis Jones, general manager
of Greenwood Pets. "It's quite unique." However,
some pet stores have refused to stock the fish
as animal rights activists have decried the
tattooing process as an exercise in cruelty.
"It's neat, but I'm opposed to it because it
stresses the fish," said Junjun Cabral of the
pet shop Best Pets, which does not sell the fish.
"Nothing says 'I love you' like cruelty to animals,"
said Bruce Friedrich, spokesman for People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
********************************
Another From News of the Weird

Least Competent Criminals

Claude White, 34, was arrested in April in
Elizabethton, Tenn., and charged with stealing
a forklift, which sheriff's deputies later found
overturned in the middle of a road, but with
a pair of shoes and socks trapped underneath.
Around the same time, a call came from Sycamore
Shoals Hospital about a patient (White) telling
an odd story of how he had suffered a foot-
mangling (but not mentioning a forklift). By that
time, however, deputies had found an exact match
for the patient's missing toe, inside the sock that
was inside the shoe that was underneath the
forklift. [WSMV-TV (Nashville), 4-3-07]
********************************
One more from Bizarre News

Bizarre Laws

In Phoenix, Arizona, you can't walk
through a hotel lobby with spurs on.
*~*~*
In California, a law created in 1925
makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.
*~*~*
In Utah, daylight must be visible
between dancing couples.
*~*~*
In Michigan, it is against the law for a
lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while
walking through a mud puddle.
*~*~*
In North Carolina, it is against the law for
a rabbit to race down the street.
*~*~*
In Georgia, it's against the law to
spread a false rumor.
*~*~*
In West Virginia, one can't cook sauerkraut
or cabbage due to the odors and the offence
is subject to imprisonment.
*~*~*
In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.
*~*~*
The law states that more than 3000 sheep
cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at
any one time.
*~*~*
In Texas, it is still a "hanging offense"
to steal cattle.

Jim3k

09-24-2007, 04:19 AM

Does Steve Wright = Hennie Youngman?

TillyGalore

09-25-2007, 01:28 PM

Where would you be:

If - you had all the money your heart desires?

If - you had no worries?

If - you came home and the finest meal is awaiting you

If - your bath water had been run?

If - you had the perfect kids?

If - your partner was awaiting you,
With open arms and kisses?

So, where would you be?

Well.... Hellooooo!!!!!!!!!

You'd be in the wrong damn house

riverside6

09-25-2007, 01:28 PM

My granddad told me this when I was a teenager and I thought it was hilarious...

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

wilson

09-25-2007, 05:41 PM

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes?

DukieInKansas

09-28-2007, 01:08 PM

There were Five country houses of worship in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Synagogue...except that they said they took one squirrel and had a short service with him that they called a "bris," or something like that, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

:) Happy Friday!

micah75

10-06-2007, 08:56 PM

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag
with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another."

DevilAlumna

10-15-2007, 08:12 PM

NEWS BRIEF:

The Nebraska Cornhusker's football practice was delayed nearly 2
hours after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery
substance on the practice field.

Head coach Callahan immediately suspended practice while Lincoln
Police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the
white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely
to encounter the substance again.

knights68

11-14-2007, 04:06 PM

..... got to..... make.... it..... to 5... Need some humor!!

Clever Drivers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's traffic school. YIKES!

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too *pooped-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a *"spud"head all day long.

* material adjusted for content.

DevilAlumna

11-14-2007, 07:39 PM

(Apologies if any are repeats, and credit where credit is due (http://www.ahajokes.com/bumper_sticker_of_the_day.shtml).)

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

knights68

11-14-2007, 08:23 PM

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

ha ha ha, so true! Felt like it today!!

captmojo

11-14-2007, 10:26 PM

My kid sells dope to your honor student.

aimo

11-15-2007, 08:24 AM

"My child is a model prisoner at Polk Youth Center"

captmojo

01-21-2008, 10:07 PM

Bubba was a country boy who lived alone, and never learned to read or write. Bubba worked hard on his chicken farm and saved his money, but never traveled. All his life, he had heard stories about New York City and how fabulous it was. When Bubba hit his 50th birthday he decided he would go and see what New York was all about. He had a trusted brother who made his reservations and itinerary for him and off he went.

He arrived at JFK, took a taxi to his hotel, walked in and met the desk clerk. Bubba confirmed his reservation. The desk clerk took his money, slid the register across the desk for Bubba to sign and handed him a pen. Bubba sheepishly took the pen, looked around the lobby and made his "X", then he drew a circle around the mark and slid the register back to the clerk.

The clerk looked down. Seeing the signature "X", he asked "You can't read, can you sir?". Bubba explained that he could not, due to having to end his "skoolin'" at an early age. The clerk told him that he meant no disrespect and that others had been at the hotel before who had signed with an "X". However, he had never seen anyone else draw a circle around the "X" before. "What's the circle all about?", he asked.
Bubba's reply.....
"Well, you know how it is for us country folks, first time in the big city and everything. We're kind of shy about giving out our real names."

:D :D :D

EarlJam

03-13-2008, 04:13 PM

Q: What do you call intellectuals from Houston or Dallas?

(scroll down)

A: CEREBRAL CORTEXANS!

God, that was terrible.

-EarlJam

OldPhiKap

03-13-2008, 05:50 PM

Q: How many Kentucky fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 49,000. One to change the light bulb, and the rest to talk about how good the old light bulb was back in the day.

bdh21

03-13-2008, 06:02 PM

How many State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's actually a sophomore course.

EarlJam

03-13-2008, 06:33 PM

How many State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's actually a sophomore course.

AWESOME!

:D

ugadevil

03-13-2008, 08:22 PM

Q: How many Kentucky fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 49,000. One to change the light bulb, and the rest to talk about how good the old light bulb was back in the day.

I've heard one like that.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50,000. One to change the bulb and 49,999 to buy out the current football coach's contract.

bdh21

03-13-2008, 08:35 PM

What do you get when you cross a pig and a Tar Heel?

Come on, there are some things a pig wont do!

colchar

03-13-2008, 09:20 PM

How many Carolina students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but for them its a full credit course.

colchar

03-13-2008, 09:20 PM

How many State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's actually a sophomore course.

And at Maryland its a graduate level course.

colchar

03-13-2008, 09:21 PM

I just realized how appropriate my signature line is for this thread.

captmojo

03-13-2008, 10:57 PM

Bill was building a new home and recruited Fred to help in carpentry work for the day. Both were up on ladders, hammering away and Bill decided to take a break. While chugging a drink, he looked up and saw Fred would hammer a nail, then pulling the next nail from his apron, he would examine it and throw it over his shoulder to the ground. Every other nail would get the same exam and be thrown away.

Bill screamed at Fred: "What's wrong with those nails? You're costing me money!"

Fred replied:"They've put the heads on the wrong end. The hardware's a rip-off."

Bill:"You idiot! Those are made for the other side of the wall!" :D

ForeverBlowingBubbles

03-13-2008, 11:31 PM

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

DukeDevil

03-14-2008, 10:16 AM

Number 8:
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

You joke about this, but I freakily actually had someone from blue cross call me up about something and it was a guy I went to college with. Awk...ward.

EarlJam

03-14-2008, 10:38 AM

CMS2478

03-14-2008, 11:36 AM

Ok, I am a middle school teacher and here are two my kids gave me that I laughed at.....

1) How do make a kleenex dance?
Answer: Put a little "boogie" in it.

2) Have you seen the new movie "Constipation?"
Answer: I haven't either, it hasn't came out yet.

The Gordog

03-14-2008, 12:28 PM

The Gordog

03-14-2008, 12:29 PM

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. One to change the bulb and 2 to hold the penis -- I mean ladder.

blublood

03-14-2008, 01:42 PM

I've heard one like that.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50,000. One to change the bulb and 49,999 to buy out the current football coach's contract.

Cold, uga, very cold! ;)

CMS2478

03-14-2008, 02:02 PM

Have you guys heard about EarlJam trying to swim across the lake????

He got half way and decided it was too far so he swam back. ;)

Just messin' with ya' Earl. :D

EarlJam

03-14-2008, 02:08 PM

Have you guys heard about EarlJam trying to swim across the lake????

He got half way and decided it was too far so he swam back. ;)

Just messin' with ya' Earl. :D

You insensitive bastard.

-EarlJam

:D :D

CMS2478

03-14-2008, 02:10 PM

You insensitive bastard.

-EarlJam

:D :D

Ha Ha Ha, I knew I could rise out of ya'.......just wanted to lighten the mood after a Tar Hole win.

Dang the FSU Criminals, dang em' to heck!!!

ForeverBlowingBubbles

03-14-2008, 05:09 PM

EarlJam says "Guiness is a creamy beverage?"

I hope you are asking in the same way Ron Burgandy says to Rebecca Romijn Stamos in this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20l-od6lvaA) "You are electric"

Guiness is a very deliciously creamy beer. Especially the head.

Mike Barkacs (beerreviews@bullz-eye.com) writes :

"Guinness does have a bit of flavor. It tastes like it smells -- like it looks even. Creamy and smooth, it starts sweet with the caramel malt. Then the roasted barley brings things to a nicely bitter finish. Very little carbonation, which is maintained even in the bottles and cans using those widgets." Mike Barkacs (beerreviews@bullz-eye.com)

ForeverBlowingBubbles

03-14-2008, 05:16 PM

if you havn't seen this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l33ohfzgk9k&feature=related), you need to...

(Ron Burgandy - ESPN Interview)

ArkieDukie

03-14-2008, 05:39 PM

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Latta6970

03-15-2008, 01:07 AM

I e-mailed Earl my 10 favorite jokes, this was the only one I could psot here without getting banned for life......

A man from New York buys a new Ferarri Enzo and decides to drive cross country to Los Angeles. In Iowa he stops at a small diner to eat lunch and a local man pulls up on a moped. "Man that's a beautiful car", the guy on the moped says, "what kind of car is it"? The New Yorker replies, "this is a Ferarri Enzo and it's the fastest vehicle in the world you can buy"! "Wow", the Iowan says, "can I look under the hood". The New Yorker replies, "I tell ya what, I'm going in here to have lunch, I'll leave it unlocked and you can look my car over all you want". The whole time the guy from New York is having lunch the guy from Iowa is checking out the interior, looking under the hood, checking the underbody and going over the car with a fine toothed comb. The New Yorker pays for his lunch and goes outside to get back on the road. "Well", he says to the local, "I gotta be going but just remember with a little hard work you can have a car like this some day". "Thank you for letting me check your car out sir", the Iowan replies, "but I doubt I'll ever be able to afford a car like that"! The New Yorker gets in his car and decides to put on a show for the Iowa guy and screeches out of the parking lot down the road and in six seconds the Ferarri is doing eighty miles per hour. The car is cruising along and the New Yorker sees a litle blip on the horizon in his rear view mirror when all of a sudden, "zzzzzzzzoooooooom", something goes flying past him. The New Yorker speeds up to one hundred miles per hour and is shocked to pass the guy from the diner on his moped. Again he looks in his rear view mirror and sees someone way back then, "zzzzoooommmm" something goes zipping past him. He speeds the Ferarri up to one hundred fifty miles per hour and again passes the guy on his moped. The New Yorker if flying down the road and looks in his rear view mirror only to have the same thing happen yet again, "zzzzooooommm", something passes his Ferarri at an extremely high speed. The guy from New York stomps on the accelerator and gets his car up to two hundred miles per hour and sure enough he passes the Iowan on his moped. This time once he passes the moped he pulls over to the side of the road and the moped comes to a stop behind the Ferarri. The New Yorker gets out of his car and goes running up to the Iowan and says, "man I bought this car because they said it was the fastest vehicle you can buy, I've gotta ask what kind of engine do you have on that moped that will make it do two hundred miles per hour"? "Engine my ^$%^$%^$%" the guy from Iowa replies. "when you pulled off from that diner back there you got my suspenders caught in your door"!

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, the trcicky part is getting them inside th lightbulb!